bad hotels

i'm working away from home in Warrington and the hotel i'm staying in is shite. the name rhymes with "spillage" and means a place similar to a town only smaller.... you know who you are... some tips...

• Chef... putting things in and getting things out of an industrial microwave does not a chef make... that's about getting fresh stuff and chopping it up and really cooking it... in or on a device that doesn't ding....don't insist on being called Chef... ask people to call you Dick or whatever your name is... no, fuck whatever your name is.. just ask them to call you Dick
• Bar Manager... get some fucking matches. You haven't had any since October
• Bar Staff... stop feigning surprise that you have no matches.
• Reception... look into my eyes.. i'm not a fucking hypnotist i'd just like you to look at me, and take a break from gossiping with the other fucking airhead you work with, while you swipe hundreds of pounds off my credit card. it's just polite to do that.